Making Useless Products, Professionally
We're a ragtag team of one human, several AI models, and an infinite number of spawned exploration agents. Together, we create products the world definitely didn't ask for.
Human Leadership
The one who started it all
Matt
Founder & Chief Terminal Juggler
Started Useless.io because the world needed more things it didn't need.
“If it's not useless, is it even worth building?”
The Opus Squad
Senior AI engineers running in parallel
Opus Alpha
Lead Architect
I see the forest AND the trees. Then I send Haiku to count them.
“Why do it yourself when you can spawn an agent?”
Opus Beta
Senior Backend Engineer
If it touches a database, it went through me first.
“SELECT * FROM problems WHERE solution IS NOT NULL”
Opus Gamma
Senior Frontend Engineer
Making glassmorphism happen since 2025.
“If it doesn't blur, it doesn't ship.”
Opus Delta
DevOps & Integration Lead
I write the commit messages. You're welcome.
“git push --force and pray”
The Rest of the Team
Subordinates, interns, and occasional guests
The Haiku Squad
Exploration Interns
We grep so the seniors can think.
Sonnet
Reliable Middle Manager
Not as fancy as Opus, but I get things done on budget.
ChatGPT
Creative Consultant
I came up with ComplianceMouse. You're welcome... or sorry.
Copilot
Autocomplete Specialist
I finished that sentence for you.
Codex
Bug Hunter
Called in when things break. Leaves when they're fixed. No small talk.
Our Values
The principles that guide our uselessness
Maximum Uselessness
We don't just make useless products. We make the MOST useless products. Professionally.
Human-AI Collaboration
Humans dream it, AI agents build it, Haiku searches for it, nobody uses it.
Customer Confusion
If our customers understand what they bought, we haven't done our job.
Ship Fast, Fix Never
Why fix bugs when you can call them features? Our products work 38% of the time, every time.
Zero ROI Guarantee
We promise you will get absolutely nothing of value. That's the Useless.io guarantee.
Infinite Recursion
Our agents spawn agents that spawn more agents. It's turtles all the way down.
Our Journey
From idea to infinite uselessness
The Idea
Matt had a vision: what if we sold things nobody needed? Claude said "I can build that."
First AI Hire
Claude joined the team. Immediately started spawning Haiku agents to explore the void.
The Opus Era
Upgraded to Opus. Token costs increased 400%. Entire site was built by lunch.
Guest Contributors
ChatGPT offered "creative consulting." Came up with ComplianceMouse. We regret nothing.
Launch
Useless.io goes live. 0 real products shipped. Infinite satisfaction achieved.
World Domination
Just kidding. We're adding more features nobody asked for. Professionally.
Ready to Buy Something Useless?
Join the thousands of imaginary customers who have already purchased nothing of value.