AGI Promise Box

Product Description

Introducing the AGI Promise Box—the world's first consumer-grade device that captures the eternal optimism of artificial general intelligence predictions. This minimalist black monolith sits elegantly on your desk, displaying a countdown timer that perpetually shows "AGI Arriving In: 6 Months" and never, ever reaches zero. 🕰️ The Perpetual Promise Algorithm™ Our proprietary software uses advanced temporal manipulation to ensure the countdown stays exactly 6 months away, no matter how much time passes. Some call it a bug. We call it a feature. It's been 6 months away since 2015, and our device faithfully maintains this tradition. How It Works: • Every day at midnight, the timer automatically adds 24 hours • Monthly "optimism recalibration" resets to exactly 6 months • Built-in excuse generator explains why this time is different • Inspired by real predictions from industry leaders (who shall remain nameless but you know exactly who we mean) ✨ Features: Mood Lighting System: • Blue Pulse: "We're making great progress!" • Green Glow: "Breakthrough any day now" • Amber Wave: "Just solving alignment, NBD" • Red Flash: "Scaling laws go brrr" • Rainbow Mode: "Sam said so on Twitter" Audio Affirmations (Premium Edition): • "AGI will change everything... soon" • "The next model will definitely be it" • "We just need a bit more compute" • "Emergent capabilities are emerging... eventually" • "Trust the process" • Random Ilya Sutskever quotes • Yann LeCun disagreement sounds (for balance) Display Modes: • Standard: "AGI: 6 months away" • Hype Mode: "AGI: 6 months away (for real this time)" • Investor Mode: "AGI: Imminent (please fund us)" • Doomer Mode: "AGI: 6 months... until it's too late" • Accelerationist Mode: "AGI: Not soon enough" • Pause AI Mode: Countdown runs backwards (still never reaches zero) 📊 Technical Specifications: • Countdown Accuracy: ±∞ months • Prediction Confidence: 100% (confidence, not accuracy) • Hope Regeneration Rate: Infinite • Reality Check Module: Disabled by default • Hype Integration: Connected to Twitter/X firehose • Display: E-ink (for that premium "this is serious technology" look) • Materials: Matte black aluminum (2001: A Space Odyssey aesthetic) • Dimensions: Small enough to fit your desk, large enough to fit your dreams 📦 What's In The Box: • 1x AGI Promise Box (the monolith) • 1x USB-C charging cable (even promises need power) • 1x Certificate of Future Intelligence (pre-signed by GPT-5, whenever it exists) • 1x "I Believed" bumper sticker • 1x Timeline of every failed AGI prediction since 1956 (100 pages) • 1x Hopium™ air freshener (smells like funding rounds) 🗣️ Testimonials From Beta Testers: "I've been staring at this thing for 3 years. The countdown still says 6 months. I've never felt more seen." — Early Adopter, Y Combinator "Replaces my need to refresh Twitter for AI doomer discourse. Now I just look at the box." — Anonymous Researcher "It's been 6 months away since I bought it 6 months ago. The math doesn't check out but neither does anything in AI anymore." — Confused Investor "I showed this to my therapist. She now has one too." — Accelerationist in Recovery "Finally, a physical manifestation of my relationship with AI hype. The countdown matches my dating life—always almost there." — Lonely Founder ⚠️ Important Disclaimers: • AGI Promise Box does not actually predict AGI • AGI Promise Box does not contain AGI • AGI Promise Box is not aware of AGI • AGI Promise Box cannot be held responsible for: - Your investment decisions based on AI hype - Arguments at Thanksgiving about the singularity - Existential crises triggered by waiting - The actual arrival of AGI (we're as surprised as you'll be) - Your VCs asking about your AI roadmap • No refunds once the countdown starts (it never stops) 🎁 Gift Ideas: Perfect for: • AI researchers who need perspective • VCs who keep asking "but when AGI?" • That friend who won't stop talking about scaling laws • Philosophy majors debating consciousness • Anyone who's read "Superintelligence" and hasn't slept since • People who think GPT-4 is close enough • People who think GPT-4 is nowhere near close Available Variants: • Classic ($999.99) - Just the countdown • Executive ($1,499.99) - Includes Anthropic and OpenAI funding round alerts • Doomer Bundle ($2,499.99) - Countdown plus separate "Time Until AI Doom" display (also 6 months) • Effective Altruist Edition ($9,999.99) - Same device, but expensive enough to signal you care Return Policy: Full refund available when AGI arrives. We're confident in this policy. FAQ: Q: Will the countdown ever reach zero? A: lol Q: What happens when AGI actually arrives? A: The device is programmed to display "See? Told you!" followed by immediate obsolescence Q: Is this a commentary on AI hype cycles? A: It's a consumer electronics product that helps you manage expectations Q: Can I invest in your company? A: The AGI Promise Box says our valuation will 10x... in 6 months Remember: The future is always just around the corner. The AGI Promise Box ensures you never forget just how close it always is. "Hope Springs Eternal. AGI Arrives Eventually. Maybe. We're Not Sure. Check Back In 6 Months."™